Respect
Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 1:10 pm
Note to the reader: The idea in this article is very important to me. Public personal attacks on individuals are never respectful. The personal attacks below,in response to this article, are examples of the exact opposite of what I'm talking about. I am sorry that this thread, which I offered in hope and peace, has been hijacked to a foul purpose. I've decided to leave my remarks here intact and recommend that readers stop at the end of this article. Thank you.
In 21st century software development thinking, one of the key notions is one of the "retrospective", a meeting where the team looks back over a period of time to see how to improve what it has been doing. The "father" of the retrospective idea, a man named Norm Kerth, formulated what he called the Prime Directive:
At the same time, the results I get are obviously the results of the choices I make, and I do in fact make the best choices I can ... so in that sense ... I always do the best I can, given all those things in Mr Kerth's directive.
My topic here is respect. We may not agree on all things: it would be boring if we did. We may even disagree very strongly, on matters based on very different principles we hold dear. (This happens far less often than people think, I find.)
When I'm in a conversation where there is disagreement, I try always to speak with respect. You'll notice that I will use the word "you" very rarely in such a discussion, trying always to talk about the issues and not about the person. I do this for two reasons, both of which I offer you for your consideration. (I'd number the list but if numbering works on this forum I've not figured it out.)
First, I really do believe that people here are trying to do the right thing, whether they are discussing policy or whether I'm trying to explain to them that we can't use guns in NCI locations. Well, I don't actually believe that with every random griefer, but let's say that I work from that assumption.
Second, I find that I'm much more likely to get what I need if I treat the other person respectfully, rather than attacking them or even speaking in a condescending manner.
With the exception of the occasional griefer, I don't spend much time dealing with people who aren't clearly worthy of respect. Certainly all the people here are, even those I may disagree with quite strongly. But even when feelings are intense, we all have an essential common condition, humanity, and I prefer to start from a feeling that I am, in that sense, "one" with that person. From that essential one-ness, mutual benefit may come.
I mention it here as an essential tool in dealing with each other, and, more to my current point, to dealing with our clientele, the SL citizens. It's kind of the opposite of the "Don't be a jerk" rule. We should try always to be respectful of the people we're interacting with, even when we are not able to agree.
Elsewhere I posted an example of how to deal with a nude person on our land, and how not to. The essential difference is one of respect. It is entirely possible to decide respectfully to ban someone. And it is entirely possible to "help" them disrespectfully. Only one of those is right.
For us, for NCI, respect is the only way. We may all slip up. We must never forget.
In 21st century software development thinking, one of the key notions is one of the "retrospective", a meeting where the team looks back over a period of time to see how to improve what it has been doing. The "father" of the retrospective idea, a man named Norm Kerth, formulated what he called the Prime Directive:
Sometimes I find it hard to remember this directive, because, after all, when I look back at my own work, I don't really want to say that it was the best I was capable of. I believe that I am capable of more and better, and it's important to me to believe that.Regardless of what we discover, we understand and truly believe that everyone did the best job they could, given what they knew at the time, their skills and abilities, the resources available, and the situation at hand.
At the same time, the results I get are obviously the results of the choices I make, and I do in fact make the best choices I can ... so in that sense ... I always do the best I can, given all those things in Mr Kerth's directive.
My topic here is respect. We may not agree on all things: it would be boring if we did. We may even disagree very strongly, on matters based on very different principles we hold dear. (This happens far less often than people think, I find.)
When I'm in a conversation where there is disagreement, I try always to speak with respect. You'll notice that I will use the word "you" very rarely in such a discussion, trying always to talk about the issues and not about the person. I do this for two reasons, both of which I offer you for your consideration. (I'd number the list but if numbering works on this forum I've not figured it out.)
First, I really do believe that people here are trying to do the right thing, whether they are discussing policy or whether I'm trying to explain to them that we can't use guns in NCI locations. Well, I don't actually believe that with every random griefer, but let's say that I work from that assumption.
Second, I find that I'm much more likely to get what I need if I treat the other person respectfully, rather than attacking them or even speaking in a condescending manner.
With the exception of the occasional griefer, I don't spend much time dealing with people who aren't clearly worthy of respect. Certainly all the people here are, even those I may disagree with quite strongly. But even when feelings are intense, we all have an essential common condition, humanity, and I prefer to start from a feeling that I am, in that sense, "one" with that person. From that essential one-ness, mutual benefit may come.
I mention it here as an essential tool in dealing with each other, and, more to my current point, to dealing with our clientele, the SL citizens. It's kind of the opposite of the "Don't be a jerk" rule. We should try always to be respectful of the people we're interacting with, even when we are not able to agree.
Elsewhere I posted an example of how to deal with a nude person on our land, and how not to. The essential difference is one of respect. It is entirely possible to decide respectfully to ban someone. And it is entirely possible to "help" them disrespectfully. Only one of those is right.
For us, for NCI, respect is the only way. We may all slip up. We must never forget.